Posts : 3
Join date : 2011-07-03
|Subject: Caligula: The Worst of the Roman Emperors Sun Jul 03, 2011 11:09 am|| |
To put it bluntly, this story of fanfiction is the equivalent of Caligula, Roman Emperor. This shit isn't quite comparable to My Immortal, but it comes quite close. The first thing to point out that is wrong with the story is your use of words that don't even exist. I quote:
- Quote :
- Suddenly they arrived at Hogwarts and uncame from the train.
In addition to using a word that doesn't exist, there should be a comma after the word "suddenly." What does "uncame" even mean? I don't even think I want to know. Oh, Edward Cullen too. You used the word "tumors" a lot. I'm very curious as to what it means. Here's an example of when it was used in the story:
- Quote :
- HE WAS ANGRY. HE WAS TUMORS.
I do believe that a "tumor" is a noun and not a verb... Please clarify if I'm wrong, but could you tell me exactly what the word "tumors" meant? I am pleased to say the story does have a plot though, unlike My Immortal. They go and try and kill Dumbledore. The reasoning for them killing Dumbledore? He's gay. We don't even care that he's a pedophile. He's just... gay. I do believe he would fit in quite well in New York, these days. While Dally, the writer of this story, main character, and admin of this forum is just a rotten homophobe. Now, the plot to this story does deviate a bit. For example, this:
- Quote :
- In the back of the rom, Proffessor Snaps was watching Bella carefully… he did not get the memo about her coming to give a pubic speech and so from afar he thought that it was Harry Potter’s mom! When Bella’s speech was over, she walked to the backyard to board her 2003 Chevy Pullover when a bag flew over her head.
Um, what? How come we haven't heard a thing about Harry Potter until now? Snape knows that Harryr Potter's mom is dead, so why would he assume that the girl is his mother? By the way, "Proffessor Snaps" should be spelled "Professor Snape." Thank you. Then, when Edward Cullen and co go to save Bella, let's think about what they do. In fact, let's quote the story exactly.
- Quote :
- She wanted him to come back and see treason, because she saw from the way Bella’s eyes were gourged out that she did not know, but then she remembered Bella was a cunt and told Edward, “I think we should kill them both…”
Kill them? And she remembered that Bella was a "cunt" so that's justification to kill her? Bella's eyes also weren't gourged out. They were just covered with a bag. Please, please, please, for the sake of the audience, stuff fucking with words. Then, they go to stop Dumbledore. Surprise! But they need an addition the team, so here's what happens:
- Quote :
- Yes….. …. ….” Hiei said, “Ahem….. FUUUUUUUUU-“
“SIIIOOOONNNNN” said Edward
"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” they said in unison
BAM! They mixed together to form…. PLATINUM BILLY!
It was Billy Martin (from Good Charlotte) with platinum blonde hair. “Omg…” said Sasuke, “That’s SO wrong… but sooo hot!”
Uhm, I thought being gay was wrong? Why are you allowing Sasuke to think that Billy Martin was hot? And that "fusion" line. What the fuck? Okay, so Dally gets pregnant, right? And has morning sickness in Hollister. HER FIRST DAY OF BEING PREGNANT. Let's think about reality. It usually takes a week or two to even find a missed period or any possibility of being pregnant. Not with Dally though. She had morning sickness the next fucking day. So she has morning sickness, and they rush her to the goddamn hospital? What the actual fuck?
She's at the hospital and she does nothing but sit around while everyone else is working to kill Dumbledore and Mystique. Speaking of Mystique. She gives Dally the orb to shapeshift into whatever she'd like. She does it in the few chapters afterwards, but you don't hear about that again. And this child that she has can speak the day he's born? Okay, I get it. He's the chosen one, but at least add some realism. Actually, no, don't. The story is shit and the faster it can be done with, the better. Another quote of wording that doesn't exist:
- Quote :
- “Oh Dally I’m so sorry,” he circumcised
You used the verb "circumcised" in a completely inaccurate form. Circumcision is where a doctor or another person cuts off the FORESKIN OF THE GODDAMNED PENIS. I don't think anyone is getting part of their penis chopped off in that scene. Especially when Dally don't even have a penis to begin with. I think she needs one, maybe she'd stop being such a fucking bitch. All of the characters are way out of character too. It's not as bad as My Immortal, but it's bad. Like Dumbledore, Shadow, Link, etc. Link shouldn't even be talking. He should be yelling things like "scraaah." And that's it. And holyshit, Jack Skellington is a teacher.
I don't even know if this is one giant troll attempt or what. If it is, mission accomplished. If not, Dally should probably get back to the drawing board and work out her story.
Posts : 5
Join date : 2012-04-05
Location : Aegis Island, stopping Nova's devouring apocalyspe ,brb.
|Subject: True, true. Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:39 pm|| |
At least someone is brave enough to point this out. Ah, caligula. Almost as big a dickweed as "Bella, Della Hally, Delly, Belly" or whatever the christ her name is. Caligula is also my favourite DLC monster in the PSP game Gods Eater Burst.