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Hiai



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PostSubject: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 6:20 pm

Alright let me preface by saying that yes, I will be absolutely tearing your story apart. I have never read such utter perversion of the English language. Now that being said, I will be pointing out WHY it is that your story is utter crap. It's hard to believe that you didn't proofread your story before you posted it online, but since you did put it up that leads me to the conclusion that this is either some big joke (if it is then it's definitely led to some laughs), or you've never even read your own story. Anyway, the reason I'm doing this is simply to point out what a fucking idiot you are if you're taking your writing seriously. Okay, here goes:

Chapter One:

Quote :
Dally was riding the Hogwarts Express to Hogwarts with her best friend Edwart Cullen.


Edwart? This is the first of many a spelling error. Seriously I've never seen so many spelling variations on your various characters. Slow down when you type.


Quote :
She had just found out she was a witch and a vampire with Edward and now they were going to school to train to be better.

Not only is it a run on sentence, but it sounds extremely childish.

Quote :
“Edward do you miss Bella?” I asked

You switched from the third person to the first person. There is a period missing at the end of the sentence.

Quote :
“Grr I don’t want to talk about Bella” Edward said

There should be a comma after "Grr" and "Bella," plus you forgot a period once again.

Quote :
“Oh are you guys fighting?” I asked.

There should be a comma after "Oh." Again you're in first person when Dally's story is primarily told from the 3rd person.

Quote :
“She is just being a cunt!!” he yelled “She thinks I like you… um I mean…”

There needs to be a period after "yelled."

Quote :
“Why would she say that?” Dally asked.

Wow, a sentence with no grammatical errors, congratulations!

Quote :
“Um well uh”

I take it theres supposed to be a pause between those three words, so commas or some other punctuation is in order there.

Quote :
KNOCK KNOCK!!! Suddenly there was a sound at the door of the trolly

Three exclamation points is excessive and the mark of an amateur. You also forgot the period at the end of the sentence.

Quote :
“I am going around with candy would you like to buy someone?” came the voice from the door.

You need some form of punctuation after the word "candy" such as a period or semicolon. Otherwise it's another run on sentence. Also instead of the word "someone" I take it you probably meant to put in the word "some."

Quote :
“YES COME IN” yelled Edward, he wanted a distraction.

There should be a comma after the word "IN," and because "he wanted a distraction" is a complete sentence you should actually have a semicolon after "Edward" rather than a comma.

Quote :
The door slid open and in came a boy with big spiky black hair and black clothes and he had his arm wrapped up.

Here's another run on sentence. I'd suggest removing the last part of the sentence about having his arm wrapped up. Yes, it is a significant part of his character, but since you're not going to go into why his arm is wrapped up from the yuyu hakusho back story it's a completely unnecessary detail.

Quote :
“My name is Hiei” he said, “I am selling these candies to pay for my trip to Hogwarts…” he showed them the tray and there were Burties Botts and Candy Frogs with cards on them.

There needs to be a comma after "Hiei," and a period after "he said" instead of that comma. "He" needs to be capitalized since it's the start of a new sentence. Plus, weren't the cards IN the candy frogs, not ON them?

Quote :
Edward noticed that Dally was staring at Hiei and growled “We aren’t interested go away.”

There needs to be a period after "growled." This is also the beginning of some totally unrealistic behavior that only seems to make sense in your head. Edward was the one who asked Hiei into the car to begin with. The jealousy that everyone seems to have with your character makes me think that in real life you're a very lonely person who wishes she had boys all over her.

Quote :
“Oh okay” Hiei said “WAIT”
“I am would like to buy some Buties Botts!” said Dally enthusiastically and smiling. She reached for some and touched hands with Hiei… Edwad grred.

There needs to be a comma after "Oh." Since you put "WAIT" on the same line as Hiei saying "Oh okay," it looks like Hiei is the one shouting "WAIT." You misspelled Burties and Edward. Also what the hell does grred mean? Edward always seems to grred and I've never encountered such a word before.

This is taking me way too long so I shall return later and at the very least finish this chapter, but please please please please please proof read your story before you put it on the web to be laughed at. Use spell check. Slow down when you write. I mean you even misspelled your own name once.
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Bumblebee Boobs

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 8:18 pm

Shut up douche bag D:<
It is perfect the way it is!
GTFO Mad
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AIGHT

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:52 pm

I honestly don't think she reads her own stories, I brought up the term hedgemice and she was like "WTF is hedgemice".
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Bumblebee Boobs

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:55 pm

AIGHT wrote:
I honestly don't think she reads her own stories, I brought up the term hedgemice and she was like "WTF is hedgemice".

Oh ya I remember that xD
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AIGHT

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:57 pm

Bumblebee Boobs wrote:
AIGHT wrote:
I honestly don't think she reads her own stories, I brought up the term hedgemice and she was like "WTF is hedgemice".

Oh ya I remember that xD
Either she doesn't read it, or she's completely oblivious to the fact she's butchering the English language. Neutral
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Bumblebee Boobs

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:59 pm

AIGHT wrote:
Bumblebee Boobs wrote:
AIGHT wrote:
I honestly don't think she reads her own stories, I brought up the term hedgemice and she was like "WTF is hedgemice".

Oh ya I remember that xD
Either she doesn't read it, or she's completely oblivious to the fact she's butchering the English language. Neutral

I don't like reading too deep into it, it makes the whole thing less magical and fun
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:59 pm

Bumblebee Boobs wrote:
Shut up douche bag D:<
It is perfect the way it is!
GTFO Mad
I agree! Jesus Christ.

Some people just can't appreciate good literature. Evil or Very Mad
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AIGHT

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:01 pm

Bumblebee Boobs wrote:
AIGHT wrote:
Bumblebee Boobs wrote:
AIGHT wrote:
I honestly don't think she reads her own stories, I brought up the term hedgemice and she was like "WTF is hedgemice".

Oh ya I remember that xD
Either she doesn't read it, or she's completely oblivious to the fact she's butchering the English language. Neutral

I don't like reading too deep into it, it makes the whole thing less magical and fun
I honestly don't give two shits what she does with her grammar, I just want her to keep the random bullshit words and references to other things. Shocked
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Bumblebee Boobs

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:05 pm

AIGHT wrote:
Bumblebee Boobs wrote:
AIGHT wrote:
Bumblebee Boobs wrote:
AIGHT wrote:
I honestly don't think she reads her own stories, I brought up the term hedgemice and she was like "WTF is hedgemice".

Oh ya I remember that xD
Either she doesn't read it, or she's completely oblivious to the fact she's butchering the English language. Neutral

I don't like reading too deep into it, it makes the whole thing less magical and fun
I honestly don't give two shits what she does with her grammar, I just want her to keep the random bullshit words and references to other things. Shocked

I know, it's the best thing I've ever read =w=
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Dally
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:06 pm

umm this was hard to read didnt get all the way thrju...

but i will lock ovarie it again and fix chapttr wan ... it will take a while prolly cuz ts on this and also onn my webs accunt but i will try fixin it...

i know grammer and spellin in impregnant to fans so i will do that. wait lemme put up a update on this
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turningcumintowater

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:53 pm

You mispelled Burties too. In the world of Harry Potter it is Bertie -Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.

I was under the impression the cards came with the frogs and weren't in them. In the movie the cards were in the box the Chocolate Frogs came in. So having the cards on them is acceptable.

Let the girl wish, as every girl at one point does, that boys would fight over her.

She mispells her own name ALOT.


Leave her alone, we love her story mistakes and all.
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AIGHT

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:59 pm

turningcumintowater wrote:
You mispelled Burties too. In the world of Harry Potter it is Bertie -Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.

I was under the impression the cards came with the frogs and weren't in them. In the movie the cards were in the box the Chocolate Frogs came in. So having the cards on them is acceptable.

Let the girl wish, as every girl at one point does, that boys would fight over her.

She mispells her own name ALOT.


Leave her alone, we love her story mistakes and all.

-Chris Crocker style-

LEAVE DALLY ALONE, SHE'S A TIGER/CHEETAH/BAT... HUMAN THING.
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Edwart

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:59 pm

dally, don't change anything.
we all love the story as it iss! cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:04 pm

It's really impregnate to me that you don't change a damn thing, Dally. After all, we love it for it's imperfections. One could argue that your story is so imperfect that it IS perfect.

Ignore the party shitters correcting you and keep up the gr8 work. I don't know what I would fap to if you quit writing.
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:05 pm

Tumors wrote:
It's really impregnate to me that you don't change a damn thing, Dally. After all, we love it for it's imperfections. One could argue that your story is so imperfect that it IS perfect.

Ignore the party shitters correcting you and keep up the gr8 work. I don't know what I would fap to if you quit writing.
AMEN TO DAT
-FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP-
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:59 pm

Wait... what? fuck you guys. No one's that funny without trying. What the fucks with the seriousness in here. Just let Dally remain Dally. Whatever kind of enigma she is.
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:59 pm

Way to have nothing to do with your day. D<

Don't you dare change a thing, Dally. It's so perfect, I don't even know what to do with myself, since I don't like the grils.
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 12:18 am

You keep going girl, and don't change a damn thing! I think your spelling/grammar is FINE. Very Happy
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AIGHT

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 12:19 am

DO. NOT. CHANGE. ANYTHING.
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 12:21 am

Don't change anything Dally. It's perfect the way it is.
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 7:02 am

Listen to all ze smart peeps. DON'T CHANGE ANY-THANG.
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:04 am

LEAVE DALLY ALONE.

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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 9:46 am

Ten Inches wrote:
LEAVE DALLY ALONE.


OMG that made me friggin lol. XD
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 10:51 am

My name would be useless without your spelling mistakes!!!
Don't make my name useless!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Constructive Criticism   Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:29 am

mounted in unicorns wrote:
Wait... what? fuck you guys. No one's that funny without trying. What the fucks with the seriousness in here. Just let Dally remain Dally. Whatever kind of enigma she is.

I think the word you're looking for is "eginam", like Shadow, bless his soul...
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